May Clark,

As I kick your butt off into the weekend today, I am reminded of the wise old sage Donald S. Cherry's words of wisdom:

"I was watching the figure skating the other day, and you know who I saw there? The scouts for the Winnipeg Jets, they were looking for their next draft pick!"

Basically, what I'm trying to say is...well I'm not entirely sure. But I'm sure that you can apply this somehow to your situation and use it to get out of the starting blocks a bit faster. Although as Usain Bolt has proven, a slow start doesn't really matter if you are freakishly insanely faster than everybody else. But there's always silver...

This post is going off the rails. I better quit while I am flipped over flaming in the ditch here. In this situation I am reminded of the wise words of the great Homer J. Simpson:

"I'll get us out of this! It's just gonna take a whole lotta floorin!"

thankgoodnessyouhavetheweekendtolookforwardto,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Hull,

Thursday's Thoughts:

time for one of you's (out of one) favorite weekly installment

- I am getting so old. I drink vegetable juice, get up before 6am and go to bed early. I might as well start drinking prune juice, driving slow and yelling at kids.

- that last one sounds like fun

- engineers are stupid. I am one, I realize that, but I'm just sayin

- sometimes in life you have to fart in someone's general direction, and not let them in your castle

- arbitration can be arbitrarily avoided

- I went to alliteration school

- Or is it illiteration?

- I didn't go to grammer school. I'm a numbers guy. I can remember numbers, but names...

- I need to go to grammergarten

- I've had alot of concussions in my time

- hitting the gym is great, but sometimes those LOUD people at the gym just make you want to flying spear them into the weight rack

- has them peoples in Dubai outbuilt themselves into the sky yet? They better watch out for the moon

- tomorrow is Friday, payday, AND the start of a long weekend. Trifecta hat trick baby.

- North Korea, you still there buddy?

- puck tonight and ima snipe some more genos. Point per game player this year booyeeee.

- I do realize that 3 points in 3 games is not earth shattering, but you know what, shut up

roofdaddytopshelfsticksidefiveholetoo,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Verbeek,

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

Got you.

Well to quote the great Mike Tyson, "everybody's got a plan until they get punched in the face."

That's how this week has felt. The wife and I have been scrambling like eggs on a Sunday's morn. This moving stuff is not fun. How do people flip houses (that they live in) for a living? That is not worth the cash amigo.

Of course I'm not quite as svelte as I usetacould, so I am exhausted from lugging heavy things around my house. I wonder if I should take steroids, just for a couple of weeks to power me through? Couldn't hurt!

I'm way to scared of needles to try that.

Well, I'm ofta solve some problems y'all.

thinkmynewbosswouldmindifitookmyfirsttwoweeksoff?

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Shanahan,

Tuesday's Fairly Tale Critique (last week I critiqued Rumpelstiltskin or however you spell that)

Each Tuesday I'm going to tear a fairytale to shreds.

Hansel and Gretel

Hänsel und Gretel, diminutives of Johannes and Margarete, which apparently means they are shorthand or nicknames for the other names.

Ok then.

Plot: A poor woodcutter, his two kids, and their abusive step-mother live by a forest (makes sense, since he's a woodcutter). A famine falls over the land. The stepmother insists that they take the kids out into the forest and leave them to die, because they eat too much food. The father reluctantly agrees. The kids leave a trail of rocks to find their way back, the parents desert them again, but make sure they have no rocks. They leave a trail of breadcrumbs this time, but the birds eat them all and they get lost. They stumble upon a house made entirely of candy. They begin to gorge themselves on the candy. An old lady comes out and lures them in with the promise of soft beds and good food. It turns out she is a cannibal, and a witch (the magic house made of candy wasn't a giveaway there?) and locks Hansel in a cage to fatten him up. Gretel becomes her slave girl. The boy tricks her with a bone he found in the cage from a prevoius boy into thinking it is his finger and he is still skinny. Her sight is so bad she believes it. She decides to eat him anyway, be he "fat or lean". She decides she is hungry enough to eat Gretel too. She asks Gretel to lean over the oven to check if it is hot enough. Gretel asks the witch to show her what she means. The witch leans over and Gretel pushes her in and locks the door, leaving the "ungodly witch to be burned to ashes". She rescues Hansel and they find a vase full of treasure and riches. A swan ferries them across an expanse of water that somehow appears, or else they just went around last time for some reason (hey why not take the magic swan, gotta be faster). They find their home and for unknown reasons their stepmother is dead. The father has been lamenting his kids and they all live happily ever after.

There is so much disturbing material in this story I don't even know where to begin:  I feel I may be saying that every Tuesday. Ok so a father is more worried about gettin some, then his own kids, so he agrees to desert them to die, and yet when they come back they just forgive him and blame it on the stepmother? He didn't try to stop her! He went along with it! And come on, your family is short on food? You live by a forest and you have an axe. Get your family some food man. The failings of this father are somehow ignored in this story. And what is the point of leaving a trail of stuff to find their way back? Meaningless plot filler. Ok now the messed up part. A cannibal witch? That eats kids? Come on. And she has the power to build a house out of candy, that somehow stands up to the weather and doesn't rot, yet she can't tell the difference between a bone and a finger, or be smart enough to not bend over in front of a stove when she intends to do the same trick to the girl? And I have to say, I don't know alot of little girls who wouldn't be so terrified of a magic witch that they would have the stones to push her into a fire and lock the door. That is some stone cold killing power. And the magic swan? Enough with the plot filler. And they get home and the step-mother is dead? So was she the witch? Did the dad kill her? Major plot hole there. And the kids aren't even just a little mad that their dad deserted them and they just share their treasure with him? Something isn't adding up there

The moral? If your father ever remarries it will be to a psycho who wants you to die and may or may not be a cannibalistic witch and houses made of candy just might be too good to be true and never trust old people.

This might be my favorite new theme of the week! It's like a shiny new gizmo! I like it even better than Thursdays Thoughts!

ourancestorshadasicksenseofhumor,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Zhamnov,

Mail-it-in-munday

Time to no-try this munday morning kickstart. I think today lets get things rollin on this week like a golf ball bouncing down a waterslide (even my analogies get half-arsed on mondays).

So unglaze those eyes, caffine up that brain, do up that low hanging fly, and grind out this monday so its Tuesday already. Because we both know we are excited for tomorrow's fairly tale of the week.

So, ya'no, get to work ya bunch of slack jawed yokels.

soonyouwillbebackinthegroove,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Bure,

Climb into your Friday cannons people.

Today is an especially special Furday, as I am travelling 5 hours away to search for some temporary housing in my new locale of employment. I am going to work on site for a year and will need to rent a dumptruck to take home my paycheque every two weeks (this may be slightly exagerated). Its going to be hard to leave but its only for a year and then I'll be back. I may have to change up the timing of this a bit, write in the evenings or something, but I will still be filling your eyes with gold.

And the mog posts might have a bit more of a Saskatchewan flavor. Goin back to ma roots. Great Western brewing company here I come. No longer will I have to smuggle you across the border to get my fix. Your sales are about to take a spike.

As for your Friday today, make it a bing-banger. Do some mucking in the corners (this is hockey slang, I know it sounds dirty but get your mind out of the gutter, there are kids around, it is a completely legimate hockey term) dig that puck out and saucer into the slot to be one-timed top corner where you hide the candy in the pantry.

Woah, sorry bout that my hockey brain spewed forth there. Let's get back to reality. It's Friday, sunny spring day and the birds are chirping. Whip them reigns and lets get these horses runnin!

springisintheunderwear,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Howe,

THursdays Thoughts:

- drinking tea might sound kind of dainty, but its actually quite manly because the British drink it, because ill have a cup of tea sounds better than a coffee, because...um ok i need to quit drinking tea

- not that there's anything wrong with that!

- Am I the only one who puts up calendars in my office and never remembers to flip the months?

- someone farted in here

- I just realized I have two staplers for some reason

- We are trying to get our ducks in a row this week, but ducks have terrible organizational skills (thanks for that one DBO)

- the motherland is calling me

- she is saying, "come back to mother Russia so she can smother you for your traitorous ways!"

- she talks tough but really she loves me

- changes they are a coming, but aren't they always?

- am I the only one that thinks that piece of bile that kidnapped those three girls and held them hostage for 10 years should be tortured medieval style instead of put in jail?

- people like that don't deserve a place on this earth

- the fart has dissapated (spellchecking...)

- whenever I put (spellchecking...) I never actually do

- After I typed that, I looked up at the top of this page and this blogger website has a spellchecking option. I still refuse to use it out of principal. In the principals office however, I will use it

- You may have noticed that I forgot it was May and have been putting April lately at the top of my posts. I just went back and fixed that. So crisis averted.

offtofridayfridayland,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Selanne,

Gotta work quickly today, got some deadlines and some lifelines to meet today.

Wow did you see that pitcher take a line drive off the head last night. That makes me sick to my stomach. Getting hit in the head that hard is just not fun to see. Hope he is alright. I am amazed they dont have to wear helmets yet.

Of course, I'm amazed that I'm not required to wear a helmet every day. I am a walking disaster and I don't have many brain cells left. Runnin on fumes. Concussions are my reality.

That's why you get what you get here. Ramblings of a crazy person. Hopefully you find my brain as entertaining as I do.

Well, off to do some good deeds.

gotreatyourselftosomethingtodayyoudeserveacheatday,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Lindsey,

Let's try something new today:

Critique a fairy tale. This will be a new Tuesday feature. Fairy tales have been watered down alot over the years, because, well, the originals were basically terrifying. We will pick a fairy tale each week and take it to the wood shed, until, well either I get bored of it or run out of fairy tales.

Rumpelstiltskin

The name Rumpelstilzchen in German means literally "little rattle stilt".  A rumpelstilt or rumpelstilz was the name of a type of goblin, also called a pophart or poppart that makes noises by rattling posts and rapping on planks.

Ok then.

Plot: A man lies to the king and says his daughter can turn straw into gold. The king kidnaps the daughter, tells her to turn straw into gold or he will be-head her. A magic goblin appears and says he will turn straw into gold in return for her first born child. She agrees. He turns the straw into gold. The king that was going to be-head her forces her to marry him and knocks her up. She has a baby. The goblin appears and unless she can say his name he will take her kid. She says about every name ever invented until she gets it right. The goblin gets mad, stomps his foot into the ground so hard that it becomes rooted, and here is the most kid friendly part: he grabs his other leg and pulls so hard it rips himself in two.

There is so much disturbing material in this story I don't even know where to begin. A father for some stupid reason boasts that his daughter is magic. A king kidnaps, threatens to kill, forces to marry, and knocks up the girl, all with zero consequenses. The girl sells her kid to save her own life. A goblin rips himself into two pieces.

The moral? Don't tell a kidnapping rapist king that your daughter is magic and if a rapist king tries to kill you just sell your kids and make sure to have a book of names handy.


Wow. This could be a hit. Can't wait for the next fairytale already!

tuneinnexttimeforHanselandGretel!

Mr. Esquire, Esq.

May Redden,

Mail-it-in-munday

Well I just read Friday's post, and I apologize. What a pile of glistening gelatinous gloop that was. You'll have to forgive me if sometimes Friday and Monday posts are a bit lacking. My focus might be elsewhere. Maybe I better extend that to include Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well.

Well as you pour your pixie stix into your jolt cola this morning, I hope you go on to do big things this week. Make yourself some attainable goals and then go blow them out of the water (I recommend setting your goals really low so you can really impress yourself).

Also, I hope your Monday blossoms into a beautiful Friday faster than I mowed through that oreo blizzard yesterday in the heat of the mid-day's sun.

Speaking of which, I think I might have to have another one of those today...

donttellmytrainer,

Mr. Esquire, Esq.