Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Oct Konawalchuck,

Shall we hit the refresh button?



Since it has been Yzerman days since my last post, and I see you haven't been "missing" me much, I feel the need to over-react and take drastic measures. Now I understand passions are high, but everyone calm down.

I think its time for a re-brand. Let's change the name, the logo, or just actually create a logo this time, everything. I've got to stay relevant with the times like ZZ Top. Well, ok, bad example. But they did stay hip in the 80's after a rebrand, so lets go ahead and try something to get some traffic. This isn't a rebuild, more of a "retool".

This will be my new logo:
It means um, 3 legged octopusses, nay, tripusses, snakes, and bums are not to be trusted.

My new name will be:

Maximus Spaßhaus

If you liked the way things used to be, please speak now or forever hold your piece.

The silence there was like jumping into a pool of marshmallows, because I imagine that wouldn't make much noise.

So, we are lighting this bridge on fire and wishing we had got off the bridge first, breaking ties with the past and starting off fresher than your dad probably tried to get with your mom on their first date.

Please give me time to figure out where the heck I am going to go from here.

I sure could use a drink of water,

Maximus Spaßhaus

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Oct Sawchuck,

Send off

Normally you would get a fairytale being torn to shreds on a Tuesday. Today is a little different.

You see, today marks my last day of work for 19 days. Yes that's right, Steve Yzerman days off for this guy!

I am listening to Metallica, ACDC, Aerosmith and Katy Perry all day today.

My adrenaline levels are dangerously dangerous.

I am flying to Munich, Germany, for the last 3 days of Oktoberfest. Yes THAT Oktoberfest. Then I am touring Southern Germany and Northern Italy. I apologize for making your jealousy exponentiate into the moon.

I am planning on gaining one food pound and one beer/wine pound for every day on that trip, so in theory, I will weigh 38 lbs more than today. That is what we call disgusting. Of course, I am lugging a 49.9 lb backpack around and I've heard I could be walking up to 5 miles a day, so I am hoping that off sets the bulge a bit.

Good thing I know no German or Italian!


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Sep Brodeur,


Today I decided to REALLy mail it in by taking off most of the month of October. I am leaving for Germany on Wednesday so tomorrow will be my last post until I get back. IF I get back that is.

So as usual I expect my traffic to increase while I am away while people check back frequently in hopes that I have not posted anything.

See you tomorrow for one heck of a send-off.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sep Sullivan,

Thursday's Thoughts

- wow I apologize for dumping that load of manure on your front lawn yesterday. That was a terrible story.

- At times like that, remember that I have excessive brain damage from multiple concussions

- so, was it worth standing in line for days for that new iphone? I thought not.

- even if you said yes, you are lying. That is just so dumb I could cry for you

- you could have done so many better things with your time. Like crokinole.

- I am off today for 3 days. Then I work for two. Then I am off for 19 days. Hooohooohahahahahahhaha

- Not to rub a salt shaker in your wound, but I will be in Germany for Oktoberfest, then in Italy. You won't be

- if you will be, shoot me a smoke signal, we'll hook up

- I feel like I am being rude by gloating, showboating, and rubbing my vacation in your face.

- That's it. No apologies. I don't plan on rectifying it, I just know I'm being rude thats all

- I might go for the triple heel clicker today. Last time I pulled a hip flexor, so its risky. But it will be so worth it if I pull it off

- ziggyzoggy!

- I downloaded an app on my phone that translates German and Italian to English and vice versus. It could be the best thing ever done.

- If I don't make it back, you can have my laderhosen


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Sep Niewendyk,

Story time with me:

Usually I give you a story from my home town, but today I feel like telling you something different. So here is one based on a true psycodelic dream I had once.

Me and Pat Sajak (for some unknown reason) are in the battle of our lives against a hoard of angry rebels from the region of Parts Unknown. They have us pinned down by gunfire behind an overturned tour bus once owned by Jim Croce. The bus is taking quite a pounding, and as we fire off the odd shots from our own guns between blasts(which seem to have unlocked unlimited ammo mode on this level), we lament about how we got into this position in the first place. Neither of us can remember how we got here, and he keeps asking me who the hell I am. The next thing I know, Jim Croce pops his head out the window of the bus and asks us if we can keep it down, he has to get up early in the morning. The appearance of Jim seems to calm everyone down, and all the rebels come out from their hiding spots and we all join in a crowd around the bus for an impromtu concert by Jim, joined by Pat on the kazoo. Next thing I know we are bungee jumping from the Burj Dubai (or whatever the worlds tallest building is called) and people are throwing jello filled water baloons at us as we fly. Then the flying furry dragon thing from The Land Before Time movies comes along and we all pay it 25 cents to take us for a ride. Then Pat demonstrates his own ability to fly unassisted, and bids us all adieu before flying off to Vannawhiteland.

The end.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Sep Chelios,

Tuesday's Taking a Fairytale to the Woodshed

Today's Tale:

Trau Trude is a German fairy tale collected by the Brothers Grimm.

ok then

A willful little girl will not obey her parents and, having taken it into her head that she wants to see Frau Trude, goes in spite of all their warnings. She arrives terrified, and Frau Trude questions her. She tells of seeing a black man on her steps (a collier, says Frau Trude), a green man (a huntsman), a red man (a butcher), and, looking through her window, the devil instead of Frau Trude.
Frau Trude says she saw the witch in her proper attire, and that she had been waiting for the girl. She turned her into a block of wood and threw her onto the fire, and then warmed herself by it, commenting on how bright the block made the fire.

There is so much disturbing material in this story I don't even know where to start: I like that it is short. And I guess it would be a good deterant from disobeying your parents. Anyway, there isn't much to say about this one because its just so short and harsh and it just kind of makes you chuckle and say, "wow, someone actually wrote that. And it was actually published."

Moral? Disobey your parents and you will be burned to death.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Sep Bellows,


So yesterday I completely zoned out and forgot to give you a post (I'm sure both of you noticed), so technically since I mailed it in yesterday, I'll try to give you something of substance today. But don't go around telling people I've been giving you substances. I don't need that kind of heat right now.

I have recently downloaded a bunch of awesome music from the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. Wow. They sure don't make music like they usetacould. There is the odd song that comes out now that is good, I'll admit that. Like ones that take some talent I mean. Songwriting talent. Not singing talent. I don't mean to take anything away from those who can sing very well. I envy them for that, because I sound like an injured yak in heat. There are alot of people like that, who cannot sing, so let's not ignore the fact that these people do have talent.

The problem comes in when they (or more often than not someone else) tries to write a song. Sure alot of them are catchy, but they are all getting so recycled and re-used and re-covered and this is not even supposed to be an environmental exercise. Most music today just doesn't sound as good as when people actually had to PLAY their instruments to make the sounds come out. And write the songs themselves.

Of course, who cares really. The old stuff is readily available any time I want it, and I just have to filter through the new stuff and listen to what I like so...I basically just wasted your time. Sorry bout that.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Sep Forsberg,

Is anybody there?

Didn't think so. Numbers are down. Well I guess I can say whatever I want on here! Hmmm...what should I say?

That you are a cotton-headed niggy-muggins? I just realized that could be taken as racially innapropriate. So no. I won't say that.

That I am smuggling paper clips out the gate at work and selling them on the black market? I could be fired for that and its not true, so no, I won't say that.

That I hate some political party or company? Meh. I can't really be bothered. I prefer to be happy about life. I live in probably the nicest country in the world (Sorry Northern Osbeckistan), and I am healthy. So for that I choose to be thankful.

Hmmm...well I guess I will just say that I have to go to the bathroom, so I'll talk to you tomorrow.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Sep Corbet,

Friday send-off

Today most of you are giddy like a girl in a shoe store with daddy's credit card. Friday's kick butt. Its a fact and you shouldn't be ashamed to be a bit flushed with joy. Grind out your day and bring me that weekend.

I will be here at work to make sure the Earth keeps turning, so you don't have to worry about that. I'll also keep an eye on your chicken caserole that you left in the fridge. If it looks like it might go bad before Monday, I'll take care of it for you. Spoiler alert: It was going to go bad, so I had to eat it.

It really is amazing how cold 3 degrees Celcius feels after the September we have had. Welcome to Canada. Land of crazy people who are very cold for 6 months.

So if you aren't here be thankful for the weather you are recieving. And if it is worse than here let me know because I want to be thankful for 3 degrees. I really do.

Now go, be free and easy this weekend. And enjoy yourselfs.


Mr. Esquire, Esq.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Sep Yzerman,

Thursday's Thoughts

- The Yzerman of another month is upon us. Yzerman was my favorite player + 19 was his number + today's date = today should be a good day

- the math there seems complicated, but I had it analyzed: it checks out

- I really have been eating alot lately. It seems to go in cycles. I think I am a over achiever when it comes to eating

- I hear tons of people complain about marriage, but so far its been pretty awesome

- don't play leapfrog with a unicorn

- its amazing how much a kitchen table is worth these days. Seriously?

- The wife is away. Time to wail away on the geetar.

- artichoke dip is quite tasty

- I neep a nad


Mr. Esquire, Esq.